Passive-aggressiveness = Trouble

Super long post ahead. Don't read if you're not feeling up for it.

Woke up thinking today would be just an ordinary day like any other, and then I received a text from John saying he's having bad start to the day. Turns out he received a pretty upsetting text from his sister. Below is the text he received:

"I just want you to know that your selfish actions have tainted my entire wedding experience and I will never forgive you. I hope that you are happy knowing that you trampled on the feelings of all your loved ones around you and you can never take it back even if you wanted to. You have ruined my special moments and delayed my life plans, while I have been there for yours and moved aside my life goals for you because I loved and considered you. I hope that someday you and Ariel, by a twist of fate or destiny, or by God's hand, will experience suffering and hurt to the level that you've caused me. I find it a terrible injustice that Ariel Sim, someone I hate, will be at my wedding whereas my best friend, someone I love, will not be there. It is unfortunate that I now have no desire and will never be able to build a relationship with Ariel because of your guys lack of consideration, terrible timing, and poor judgement. I hope someday I can find it in my heart to forgive you but at this time, I just cannot and after our wedding this year, I wish nothing to do with you. I am so happy in my life and the only thing that makes me sad is when I think of you."

According to him, this is just one of the many angry texts she would randomly send him over the months as she is planning her wedding.

Perhaps I should start with some context. John and his sister had a fall out when John and I were planning our wedding. Both of us intended to get married in the same year, and the same month no less, and neither of us were quick to yield for whatever reasons we thought were valid from our own perspectives. Our decision to get married in December was not  so much one of preference, but more of an outcome or situation. Hannah and I lived together. Her projected graduation date was in December, which meant that after December, she would move out of Davis. I didn't want to live on my own or room with someone else (after the nightmare of ex-housemates), so John and I decided to get married around that time so that we could move into our own apartment after December. We've discussed marriage for quite a while now, and although we initially wanted to wait till I graduate, we figured doing it sooner rather than later made little difference but more sense, especially if we could cut down our living cost, or prevent ourselves from any possible temptations.

We were discussing these possibilities around fall of 2013. John even asked for my hand during Thanksgiving, but we didn't really get down to seriously considering the dates until January because we needed Hannah to confirm with her advisor if she was on track to graduating by December. No point in marrying and then moving back in with Hannah lol. When we got the "OK" from our parents, the conflict began. His older sister had recently entered into a very serious relationship, and they also had plans to get married...and she considered getting married on the magical date 12/13/14. I would have gladly let her have it since 1) I don't care for dates, 2) I already have TOO many birthdays and holidays in December, 3) the weather in December is so iffy, and 4) Even if I had a December wedding it wouldn't fall on that date because UCD's only break before the next school year was winter break (Dec 22 - Jan 6). In fact, I was okay with her having the date as long as she was ok and understood that I would probably get married a week or two after her. For whatever unknown reason, she was not ok with having two weddings in December. But I stood my ground because of reason #4 above. I will not state her reasons simply because I am not entirely sure what they were, and it's not quite fair for me to tell her side of the story from my perspective and limited knowledge. All I know was that she really wanted the date.

I'm not too keen on recalling all that has happened as the experience has been one of the most exhausting and daunting experiences I've ever had to face. To sum the experience up, it was basically one emotional snowball of drama rolling down a steep slope of fresh, thick snow...waiting to crash...or even cause an avalanche. I hesitate to say that I'm exaggerating, given the text she sent even after everything is over. Somewhere along the line of back and forth passive-aggression (something I really hate doing so I tend to leave it up to DH to take care of it; I'm more of an upfront resolver or else I'll just brush it off), we just stopped trying to work out a compromise. I think we were just too dejected by all the opposition and too tired of guessing between the minced words. Planning a wedding while being in school or working was hard enough, top it off with family drama and I'm sure even the calmest person would just throw their hands up and call it quits.

Needless to say, John was incredibly hurt by the whole experience. I'm sure this text felt like rubbing salt on his wound. Oh, of course I was hurt in the process, too. She was somehow able to convince her family members that I was not the "the one" for John. I mean, imagine your future in-laws saying something along the lines of  "It doesn't matter if you had to break up if you don't marry now, you're a man and can marry anytime." I'm sure every woman wants to hear that she is easily replaceable in their in-laws eyes...

I will admit that for a while, I resented her for making John feel so dejected and alone. But after many, many prayers, I found it easier to let go of the anger and bitterness. Even as Christians, we still struggle. I have no idea how Jesus can have so much compassion and love, but if he can forgive me in all my ugliness, do I really have a right to not forgive others for their wrong-doings? I wouldn't say that I am completely happy and healed, but I wasn't very much affected by her text this time round. Thank God.

Still, I am quite baffled at how someone can write something so hurtful? Even in all my anger and hurt for the troubles she's caused us, I have never (nor would I ever) wished ill upon her. If anything I hope she'd be so overjoyed with her upcoming wedding so she can get off our case. I cannot even begin to understand how one can say "I loved and considered" you and in the very next sentence, wishes that you will experience suffering and hurt. Can someone really claim to love his/her brother and yet hate the people his/her brother loves? Wailing for others to sympathize with you and to exercise compassion on you, yet wishing for them to experience (or provoking them just so that they can share) the same suffering and hurt is so hypocritical. I'm not sure how to put this...but I don't think I have ever met someone so consumed by their bitterness, jealousy, anger, and hate that they are blinded to their own narrow perspective and flawed logic. I'm quite sure that I cannot be the only person who find this message a little over the top...especially when all we ever did was to get married in the month (not even the date!) that she *considered* to get married. I would think that to hate someone so much, that someone would have to have raped, attempted to kill you, embezzled your life savings or something else more severe....not over a wedding date. If she had made it clear to us that she would hate us so much for who knows how long over a matter so trivial, I would most likely have given her the date and figure out another way somehow. Unfortunately, she told us that she decided on a later date because she loves John and wanted to be more considerate of his feelings.

This is the reason why I have a hard time tolerating passive-aggressive people. Passive-aggression solves nothing. Yes, you've heard me right. Nothing. All it does is stir up more hate, misunderstanding, and false hopes and expectations. If you want something, work it out in the most simple and tactful way possible. Everyone is selfish, and everyone will want things their own way, so it should be okay to voice it out, don't you think? No one can really claim they are selfless and giving all the time. And if they are, why would there even be a need for passive-aggression? The person would probably just go along with your plan if you told him/her from the start. And if one of us so choose to be the "bigger" person and chooses to give way in an argument/conflict, BE the bigger person. Don't whine and gossip about it later. Stand up to your decision and face the sacrifices or the "losses" that comes with being the better person. You are not entitled to get your way simply because you backed down for being nice. Being the "better" person doesn't mean you have the right to talk smack about the other person for the sacrifices you've made. You are supposed to be better. If you can't, don't be. You are much better off saying you don't want to compromise and be the "smaller" person, but get whatever it was that you wanted.

Some, I included, are okay with being the bitch. I know that the consequences of refusing to yield will make me the selfish one. I am willing to "sacrifice my image" and be labeled as the inconsiderate one in exchange for what I want, but if you go around saying you will hate me forever and wish ill upon me, can you really call yourself the selfless and considerate one? Sounds like we ended up having two bitches in our hands, eh? I don't understand how some people expect to be acknowledged or recognized as the compassionate, more understanding, and considerate person when they talk badly about the other party to no end. The logic doesn't even add up. At least the other person admitted to being the more selfish of the two, and doesn't go around prancing like a virtuous saint seeking for praise of being more selfless and then putting the other person down.

I think women are very notorious for this kind of behavior (at least from my own experience), and I have no idea why we even operate that way. Can we just stop over-glorifying the "Mean Girls" archetype? I've never understood how so many girls can relate to the movie or claim stuff like "Omggggg, that was so good and true. Best movie ever!" I don't understand what's so bad about being the bitch or what's so good about being the saint. I think we should all just acknowledge that we are selfish people and that we will clash every now and then. That's just part of life. What do we even gain by trying to always appear saintly during conflicts? Other than preventing the conflict from escalating or happening in the first place, there really isn't much else to gain from being the saint. I mean, we yield so that we can avoid conflicts we'd rather not face if the opportunity cost is high, so I don't think we are deemed worthy to be praised as virtuous when we are still kind of looking out for ourselves.

The only other reason we would yield to others is if we loved them. Which brings me to my next point.  When we choose to love, we do so because love brings more peace, grace, joy, and happiness to all the parties involved. We don't love for the sake of using it as a stronghold on others to repay you the favor or cost of your love. That's not the point of loving others. If that's the kind of love you're expecting, I mean, I might as well not be loved by you. It only causes more pressure, sorrow, and guilt.

If you're compromising for the sake of love, your focus shouldn't be on whether or not they have acknowledged your love and if they will pay it back. Your focus should be on making sure they are happy or better off overall after the compromise. Only then, will they appreciate your love (that was freely given) and will reciprocate the love back. If anything, their happiness will also bring about your own happiness if you truly love and care about them.

Gah, I just wished she told us straight up from the start that she would estranged herself from us if we married in December rather than let it pan out this way. Could've just sat down and worked out a different plan and avoided the whole year of trying to cancel our wedding by stirring up unnecessary family drama, you know?

Anyway, just wanted to get this off my mind. Didn't think a text would get me thinking so much. But at the end of the day, I am kind of worried about her. She claims to be happy, but I'm not sure if a truly happy person would write something so hurtful and express how miserable she is. I sincerely hope she is able to overcome the bitterness in her heart and rejoice for the marriage she is about to enter into. There is not much purpose to celebrating a wedding with a heavy heart after all. I'm not sure what's bothering her, but I sure hope she resolves it before the wedding. I think she is putting to much emphasis on one day--I heard that she's being very particular about other things besides the date. I don't blame her, it's so easy to be bought into the whole commercialization of weddings. I went through it myself, and truth be told, a wedding isn't everything. If only she knew how FAST that day flies by. You really don't get to savor the moment as much as you'd like, but as long as you know that the person you're marrying and the people you're celebrating with are happy, that's enough to make it the best day of your life.