Thoughts on growing old
I was visiting Oakland last weekend to celebrate Father's Day with the FIL, but in the early evening, the MIL told us she was worried about her mother because she hasn't seen nor heard from her all day. We rushed to the grandma's place, but she didn't answer. When we got in, we found her stuck in the bathtub since the night before because she couldn't get up.
We all know we get old someday, but I've never actually thought, in descriptive terms, about what being old is like. I've seen old people at grocery stores and libraries going about their day in a very slow and calm manner, but besides being polite to them and showing them respect, I've never really stopped to think about what they are going through, or how they are truly feeling. To me, the elderly are just regular people, but with grayer hair and less agility, and also with more wisdom. No big deal.
When I found out grandma (in-law) has been stuck in her bathroom all night (she lives alone), I can't help but wonder what went through her head during that time period. What does being alone in an empty house, stuck in a bathtub in the middle of the night, and not being able to call for help feel like? To me, very distressing. I tried picturing myself in her shoes, and I cannot imagine the frustration I would feel not being able to control my body the way I want it to move. I've injured my arm before while skateboarding, and although I only lost temporary control of my LEFT arm, I felt immense frustration just going about my day for those two months of having to wear a cast. Simple things like putting on clothes, carrying a backpack, cleaning/wiping the table after dinner (thank goodness I got to escape washing the dishes!) were a challenge. Slowly losing control over your whole body must be one thousand times worse.
Perhaps I never give much thought about the challenges of being old because old people always seem so calm. I've seen old people limp in public, and when people try to help, they politely refuse and say they can handle themselves. Even grandma-IL didn't say a word about the dreadful night, and just focused on how she hadn't eaten or that she didn't like being alone. No fussy hiss or tantrums like kids or teens/adolescences have these days when things doesn't go their way. I must have subconsciously assumed, foolishly I should add, that the elderly must have accepted growing old with grace since you don't really hear them complain.
I am sure some have fully accepted aging as a beauty of life, and I must commend them for doing so because that takes a lot of humility. But I think a lot of us struggle with growing old. Maybe some of us can accept the gray hair and wrinkles, but not the growing dependability on others when we've worked so hard at being independent for the larger part of our lives. I suspect that's why some old people are so stubborn and refuse to listen to our advice of using canes, or taking stairs one step at a time, even though our intentions are good. I mean, when I picture myself hopping down the stairs, sometimes taking two steps at a time, for let's say years (till I'm about 45, so approx. 37+ years I've been walking on stairs like a normal person), and you come to me one day and tell me I should take the stairs one step at at time like a toddler...I don't think my pride can handle it. I'd probably be just as stubborn, considering how stubborn I already am now.
And how many of us "young" ones get irritated when old people are stubborn? We feel justified in getting angry because we feel as if we care enough to give sound advice, but these old people just don't appreciate our effort. In today's demanding world, there are many who choose to send their parents to an "old folk's home" because they are too busy to deal with grandma/grandpa's stubbornness. Another problem I see often is that grandparents are so used to being authoritative that they don't hold back in lecturing their children even while they are receiving care from them. Too many times I've seen my grandma criticize my mom about the way she assists my grandma...hurting my own mother in the process. I'm not even my mom, but just watching the way she lectures and criticizes my mom, I can't help but feel slightly resentful.
In some drastic cases, these grandparents end up living alone together, until sadly, one of them passes before the other. In my grandma-IL's case, she's been alone all along because she's a divorcee. Aside from that, she isn't the most pleasant with words towards her own kids. Don't get me wrong, the kids take care of her still, but probably not as much as she would've liked, given that she is in her 90's, I believe.
That is my worst fear--growing old all alone.
I'm one of those young'uns who chase after dreams, careers, family life, always focusing on what the near future holds, and not the far, far future. We think to ourselves, "That's too far ahead, I can't even picture myself in 10 years, what more to say 50? I might lose my job tomorrow! Maybe I wouldn't even live that long!" We take loved ones around us for granted, and we take our health for granted. Before we realize, we become that elderly person in a wheelchair.
And then there are some of us who dream that growing old is like the beginning scene in UP! Although they show the trials and tribulations the couple goes through together, the scene is still highly romanticized. They don't show the ugly moments of arguments and resolutions the couple had to go through to build that strong relationship of trust and hope. I feel like if I were in the scenario where they had to break bank every time to fix some unforeseen obstacle, or finding out that I can't have babies, I would have probably broken down and say some nasty, hurtful stuff, if I don't stop to think about the future I want to have with hubs. Or maybe some couples just don't argue as much and are just nice and very willing to compromise?
And not to be a downer, but in the end someone almost always passes first and then you'll end up alone until your time has come...like Carl...who became a grouch. But and the end of the story he opened up to people around him like that kid and dog and is no longer alone again!
Anyway, after much thought, I really don't want to end up a stubborn, grouchy, old person, and would much, much prefer to have companionship. I really admire the older people who have committed themselves to a lifetime of joy, refusing to let age and pride boggle them down. Older people who run marathons and are physically fitter than I am are also huge inspirations. These people don't take their health, bodies, and lives for granted, and have vowed themselves to a lifetime of fitness for a better future. When people are busy wrecking their health over a career raise, some of these guys, from a young age, have thought about the future and how they didn't want to burden their children with poor health, and want to be active enough to play with their grandkids. I know some might argue that these people are probably more privileged in some ways, but the fact that they've given thought about the important things in life is really inspiring.
The truth is that you don't end up on wheelchair and all alone just because. You end you where you are because of choices (or lack of it) in your life. Aside from unforeseen tragedies, of course.
Well, now I have to make a lifetime effort in investing for the future, both the near and far. There is no wrong in living in the moment, but don't ever, ever take anything for granted. Live, love, laugh, and forgive. Because humility will take you far.
We all know we get old someday, but I've never actually thought, in descriptive terms, about what being old is like. I've seen old people at grocery stores and libraries going about their day in a very slow and calm manner, but besides being polite to them and showing them respect, I've never really stopped to think about what they are going through, or how they are truly feeling. To me, the elderly are just regular people, but with grayer hair and less agility, and also with more wisdom. No big deal.
When I found out grandma (in-law) has been stuck in her bathroom all night (she lives alone), I can't help but wonder what went through her head during that time period. What does being alone in an empty house, stuck in a bathtub in the middle of the night, and not being able to call for help feel like? To me, very distressing. I tried picturing myself in her shoes, and I cannot imagine the frustration I would feel not being able to control my body the way I want it to move. I've injured my arm before while skateboarding, and although I only lost temporary control of my LEFT arm, I felt immense frustration just going about my day for those two months of having to wear a cast. Simple things like putting on clothes, carrying a backpack, cleaning/wiping the table after dinner (thank goodness I got to escape washing the dishes!) were a challenge. Slowly losing control over your whole body must be one thousand times worse.
Perhaps I never give much thought about the challenges of being old because old people always seem so calm. I've seen old people limp in public, and when people try to help, they politely refuse and say they can handle themselves. Even grandma-IL didn't say a word about the dreadful night, and just focused on how she hadn't eaten or that she didn't like being alone. No fussy hiss or tantrums like kids or teens/adolescences have these days when things doesn't go their way. I must have subconsciously assumed, foolishly I should add, that the elderly must have accepted growing old with grace since you don't really hear them complain.
I am sure some have fully accepted aging as a beauty of life, and I must commend them for doing so because that takes a lot of humility. But I think a lot of us struggle with growing old. Maybe some of us can accept the gray hair and wrinkles, but not the growing dependability on others when we've worked so hard at being independent for the larger part of our lives. I suspect that's why some old people are so stubborn and refuse to listen to our advice of using canes, or taking stairs one step at a time, even though our intentions are good. I mean, when I picture myself hopping down the stairs, sometimes taking two steps at a time, for let's say years (till I'm about 45, so approx. 37+ years I've been walking on stairs like a normal person), and you come to me one day and tell me I should take the stairs one step at at time like a toddler...I don't think my pride can handle it. I'd probably be just as stubborn, considering how stubborn I already am now.
And how many of us "young" ones get irritated when old people are stubborn? We feel justified in getting angry because we feel as if we care enough to give sound advice, but these old people just don't appreciate our effort. In today's demanding world, there are many who choose to send their parents to an "old folk's home" because they are too busy to deal with grandma/grandpa's stubbornness. Another problem I see often is that grandparents are so used to being authoritative that they don't hold back in lecturing their children even while they are receiving care from them. Too many times I've seen my grandma criticize my mom about the way she assists my grandma...hurting my own mother in the process. I'm not even my mom, but just watching the way she lectures and criticizes my mom, I can't help but feel slightly resentful.
In some drastic cases, these grandparents end up living alone together, until sadly, one of them passes before the other. In my grandma-IL's case, she's been alone all along because she's a divorcee. Aside from that, she isn't the most pleasant with words towards her own kids. Don't get me wrong, the kids take care of her still, but probably not as much as she would've liked, given that she is in her 90's, I believe.
That is my worst fear--growing old all alone.
I'm one of those young'uns who chase after dreams, careers, family life, always focusing on what the near future holds, and not the far, far future. We think to ourselves, "That's too far ahead, I can't even picture myself in 10 years, what more to say 50? I might lose my job tomorrow! Maybe I wouldn't even live that long!" We take loved ones around us for granted, and we take our health for granted. Before we realize, we become that elderly person in a wheelchair.
And then there are some of us who dream that growing old is like the beginning scene in UP! Although they show the trials and tribulations the couple goes through together, the scene is still highly romanticized. They don't show the ugly moments of arguments and resolutions the couple had to go through to build that strong relationship of trust and hope. I feel like if I were in the scenario where they had to break bank every time to fix some unforeseen obstacle, or finding out that I can't have babies, I would have probably broken down and say some nasty, hurtful stuff, if I don't stop to think about the future I want to have with hubs. Or maybe some couples just don't argue as much and are just nice and very willing to compromise?
And not to be a downer, but in the end someone almost always passes first and then you'll end up alone until your time has come...like Carl...who became a grouch. But and the end of the story he opened up to people around him like that kid and dog and is no longer alone again!
Anyway, after much thought, I really don't want to end up a stubborn, grouchy, old person, and would much, much prefer to have companionship. I really admire the older people who have committed themselves to a lifetime of joy, refusing to let age and pride boggle them down. Older people who run marathons and are physically fitter than I am are also huge inspirations. These people don't take their health, bodies, and lives for granted, and have vowed themselves to a lifetime of fitness for a better future. When people are busy wrecking their health over a career raise, some of these guys, from a young age, have thought about the future and how they didn't want to burden their children with poor health, and want to be active enough to play with their grandkids. I know some might argue that these people are probably more privileged in some ways, but the fact that they've given thought about the important things in life is really inspiring.
The truth is that you don't end up on wheelchair and all alone just because. You end you where you are because of choices (or lack of it) in your life. Aside from unforeseen tragedies, of course.
Well, now I have to make a lifetime effort in investing for the future, both the near and far. There is no wrong in living in the moment, but don't ever, ever take anything for granted. Live, love, laugh, and forgive. Because humility will take you far.
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