Thoughts on "Tragedy of 'Golden' Daughters: Jennifer Pan's Revenge", and My Own Upbringing
I was reading this news that have been circulating around the internet, and I was so heartbroken and shocked by the story I ended up writing a long Facebook post about it even though I intended to only share the link: http://www.torontolife.com/informer/features/2015/07/22/jennifer-pan-revenge/
"My heart broke reading this story. Though her actions are extreme, I cannot imagine the stress she must have gone through trying to please parents who just never seemed happy enough. I know a lot of Asian kids (and other immigrants, regardless of race/ethnicity) can relate in some way to her story in terms of growing up with tiger parents. Even though I've grown up under a relatively "strict" household in terms of academic achievements as well (you know, the whole doctor/engineer expectations), my parents have always emphasized that character, spiritual growth, love, trust, and hope is more important that any grade, trophy, or awards.
I cannot express my gratitude for how well my parents were able to draw a line on which expectations were reasonable and crucial for growth, and which were merely meant to serve as inspirations for discovering our potential, even when the line can be so easily blurred. Parents should create an open space for their children to discuss their failures, to realign expectations, and to evaluate their own capabilities, desires, and goals. I believe that a child can be truly joyful about achieving and actively seeking success only when that desire stems from their own hearts, not their parents. And parents, if the kids are doing it for your sake because their desire is to honor you, at least acknowledge and praise their efforts wholeheartedly even if it’s less stellar than what you’d hope for. We need your love and acceptance, and no, it’s not always obvious if you don’t mention it. And who cares if other neighbors judge you for not having doctor/engineer children? Better to have a kid who loves, cares, and respects you for your understanding and sacrifice than one who’d be so busy making money and forgetting about you because they hated their childhood.
Love you, mom and dad. And thank you for being so supportive even though it’s taking me much, much, longer to finish school than you’ve expected, lol."
The above is the blurb I wrote on Facebook. And I must say, truly, truly, I am so grateful, mom and dad. If you felt the article was TL;DR, Jennifer Pan, a 2nd generation Asian in Canada hired hitmen to murder her parents after collapsing under the years of guilt and lies of her academic achievements to please her very strict and over-achieving parents.
I used to think that my childhood was bad having grown up in an Asian household, but after reading this article and seeing how many people actually resonated with the story, I realized that I had it much better than others.
Sure, my parents have told me at the young age of 4 that I should become an architect and design a building as great as the Petronas Twin Towers. At 6, they enrolled me into piano lessons and wanted me to perform so well that I'd someday play for the church. Then at 7, they sent me to art lessons, and when I spent most of my time daydreaming instead of drawing, they'd punish me and made me spend an extra hour and a half (which as child is soooo looong) at home to redraw the assignment. They also entered me into art competitions at school. When I got into primary school, they wanted me to pass the PTS, an examination that lets you skip from Year 3 to Year 5 if you excelled, so that I can advance faster academically and be the pride of the family. Along came UPSR, and PMR during my junior high to high school years, and of course, they expected me to get straight A's like any other Asian parent would hope for. In other words, my parents were typical in their expectations of their children like any other Malaysian parent.
I was a very unmotivated and reserved kid, and didn't like the idea of being so competitive. I tried my best to live up to those expectations anyway, but as time went on, I gave up, or maybe rebelled. Who knows that went through my mind as kid? I quit piano after Grade 4, I only won a consolation prize during art competitions, I went through Year 4 like any other average kid, and did not get straight A's on both UPSR and PMR. I failed physics and Chinese in Secondary 3 and 4, and gave up taking Chinese classes altogether even though my parents thought it ridiculous for a Chinese to give up on her own native tongue. Oh, and no, I'm did not become an architect. Meanwhile, my cousins were scoring straight A's throughout their education and were consistently ranked in the top 5 at their respective schools.
But my parents didn't belittle me or make me feel worthless when I failed to meet their expectations. As I'm writing this, I feel like I must have disappointed them in some way or form, lol. I didn't even excel at even ONE of the expectations they had of me! Not to mention they were leaders at church, where other parents and members are always paying close attention to how well they were doing as parents and people through their kid's performance. Yet they didn't give up on me. They would ask if they could help in any way. They asked me if I wanted to try tutoring (or "tuition" in Kuching terms) to improve my grades, but after two lessons, I quit. After that, they never bothered me about it and just told me to do my best. Even without the constant checking-in on grades and performance and commanding attitude that most Asian children would get from their parents on their performance, I already felt kind of disappointed in my own abilities. I wonder how much worse Jennifer must have felt?
Okay, if I had to be COMPLETELY honest, every now and then (though very rarely), I hear my dad slip and say something along the lines of "So many others are watching us as church leaders, what I am supposed to say to their kids who wants academic advice if my own kids don't even care?" Yes, I would get sad. But when I broke down and told him how much of a failure I felt, he didn't tell me to shape up and get working or confirm my misplaced beliefs. When I belittle myself, he will reaffirm that I am better than what others say and that he believed in me. He told me that expectations are meant to help kids form an idea of what and who they want to be, and are meant to serve as a guide in life. Getting straight A's is great, but what use is straight A's if done through questionable means? What use is there of becoming the best doctor if you don't have any conviction of caring and helping others get better? The most important thing is to go through life with the love of God and fulfilling the dreams and plans He has for us.
Now my dad came from a really poor family, was the second youngest out of my grandmother's 10 kids, and was the only one who graduated from a 4-year university with High Honors in accounting WHILE being married to my mom and having Hannah in the U.S. (I have one other uncle who went to a university in Taiwan, but the rest graduated high school at best). he even has a Masters in Divinity from one of the more rigorous seminary in the U.S. now! He had every justification to chastise me for doing worse than my cousins who grew up with less educated parents. But here I am, still working on my bachelor degree (which isn't in architecture, btw) since 2010, and he's always encouraging me and telling me that not everyone goes through life at the same pace and form as others. I don't know if he's feeling sad or disappointed, since he's never told me so, but because of his continual support, I have never felt more determined to excel and do well in life so that I can someday financially support/repay him for his love and care as a form of gratitude.
I didn't perform particularly well during my childhood and adolescent years, but I am proud to say that as of right now, I am very independent and am doing well in school and work. I haven't won any awards, but I am capable of cooking yummy dinners, managing my finances, organizing events, administration, researching and resolving complicated matters, and, you know, just doing adult things like getting married and managing a household. Isn't that already a "win" in life? I'm finally close to graduating (just two more quarters!) and am even working towards getting a masters. I have a new found passion for learning and growing, all things I thought I'd never become when I was a child! I have faith that I fair well in life, because my father first had faith in me and in my heavenly Father above.
Note that I am in no way condoning Jennifer's actions as right or justified, but I feel that perhaps if they showed more gentle or tender love every now and then instead of tough love, she might not have been so hard on herself or push herself to such extremes. Of course, some kids never go to the extreme of murder regardless of the treatment, since every person has a different mental fortitude and resolve, but I do believe that a little acceptance and understanding could have prevented or at least lessened the tragedy.
As I reflect on my past, I think my parents exposed me to many different things not really to excel at everything (though if I did, of course they'd be super proud) but to help me discover what I liked, didn't like, and what I was good at or what needed more work. I am thankful for godly parents who raised me with the belief of"doing your best and God will take care of rest" and that "it doesn't matter how different your life is from others, God has His own plans for you. Whatever you're doing, do it right with God's guidance and you will find joy in life."
Joy in life is "success" to me. I only hope that I remember all of these when it's my turn to raise kids. Once again, thank you, mom and dad for the faith you have in me. And above all, thank you, Father in Heaven, for your love, grace, mercy, and hope. I pray that healing will come upon the Pan's despite all that they've been through. Amen.
"My heart broke reading this story. Though her actions are extreme, I cannot imagine the stress she must have gone through trying to please parents who just never seemed happy enough. I know a lot of Asian kids (and other immigrants, regardless of race/ethnicity) can relate in some way to her story in terms of growing up with tiger parents. Even though I've grown up under a relatively "strict" household in terms of academic achievements as well (you know, the whole doctor/engineer expectations), my parents have always emphasized that character, spiritual growth, love, trust, and hope is more important that any grade, trophy, or awards.
I cannot express my gratitude for how well my parents were able to draw a line on which expectations were reasonable and crucial for growth, and which were merely meant to serve as inspirations for discovering our potential, even when the line can be so easily blurred. Parents should create an open space for their children to discuss their failures, to realign expectations, and to evaluate their own capabilities, desires, and goals. I believe that a child can be truly joyful about achieving and actively seeking success only when that desire stems from their own hearts, not their parents. And parents, if the kids are doing it for your sake because their desire is to honor you, at least acknowledge and praise their efforts wholeheartedly even if it’s less stellar than what you’d hope for. We need your love and acceptance, and no, it’s not always obvious if you don’t mention it. And who cares if other neighbors judge you for not having doctor/engineer children? Better to have a kid who loves, cares, and respects you for your understanding and sacrifice than one who’d be so busy making money and forgetting about you because they hated their childhood.
Love you, mom and dad. And thank you for being so supportive even though it’s taking me much, much, longer to finish school than you’ve expected, lol."
The above is the blurb I wrote on Facebook. And I must say, truly, truly, I am so grateful, mom and dad. If you felt the article was TL;DR, Jennifer Pan, a 2nd generation Asian in Canada hired hitmen to murder her parents after collapsing under the years of guilt and lies of her academic achievements to please her very strict and over-achieving parents.
I used to think that my childhood was bad having grown up in an Asian household, but after reading this article and seeing how many people actually resonated with the story, I realized that I had it much better than others.
Sure, my parents have told me at the young age of 4 that I should become an architect and design a building as great as the Petronas Twin Towers. At 6, they enrolled me into piano lessons and wanted me to perform so well that I'd someday play for the church. Then at 7, they sent me to art lessons, and when I spent most of my time daydreaming instead of drawing, they'd punish me and made me spend an extra hour and a half (which as child is soooo looong) at home to redraw the assignment. They also entered me into art competitions at school. When I got into primary school, they wanted me to pass the PTS, an examination that lets you skip from Year 3 to Year 5 if you excelled, so that I can advance faster academically and be the pride of the family. Along came UPSR, and PMR during my junior high to high school years, and of course, they expected me to get straight A's like any other Asian parent would hope for. In other words, my parents were typical in their expectations of their children like any other Malaysian parent.
I was a very unmotivated and reserved kid, and didn't like the idea of being so competitive. I tried my best to live up to those expectations anyway, but as time went on, I gave up, or maybe rebelled. Who knows that went through my mind as kid? I quit piano after Grade 4, I only won a consolation prize during art competitions, I went through Year 4 like any other average kid, and did not get straight A's on both UPSR and PMR. I failed physics and Chinese in Secondary 3 and 4, and gave up taking Chinese classes altogether even though my parents thought it ridiculous for a Chinese to give up on her own native tongue. Oh, and no, I'm did not become an architect. Meanwhile, my cousins were scoring straight A's throughout their education and were consistently ranked in the top 5 at their respective schools.
But my parents didn't belittle me or make me feel worthless when I failed to meet their expectations. As I'm writing this, I feel like I must have disappointed them in some way or form, lol. I didn't even excel at even ONE of the expectations they had of me! Not to mention they were leaders at church, where other parents and members are always paying close attention to how well they were doing as parents and people through their kid's performance. Yet they didn't give up on me. They would ask if they could help in any way. They asked me if I wanted to try tutoring (or "tuition" in Kuching terms) to improve my grades, but after two lessons, I quit. After that, they never bothered me about it and just told me to do my best. Even without the constant checking-in on grades and performance and commanding attitude that most Asian children would get from their parents on their performance, I already felt kind of disappointed in my own abilities. I wonder how much worse Jennifer must have felt?
Okay, if I had to be COMPLETELY honest, every now and then (though very rarely), I hear my dad slip and say something along the lines of "So many others are watching us as church leaders, what I am supposed to say to their kids who wants academic advice if my own kids don't even care?" Yes, I would get sad. But when I broke down and told him how much of a failure I felt, he didn't tell me to shape up and get working or confirm my misplaced beliefs. When I belittle myself, he will reaffirm that I am better than what others say and that he believed in me. He told me that expectations are meant to help kids form an idea of what and who they want to be, and are meant to serve as a guide in life. Getting straight A's is great, but what use is straight A's if done through questionable means? What use is there of becoming the best doctor if you don't have any conviction of caring and helping others get better? The most important thing is to go through life with the love of God and fulfilling the dreams and plans He has for us.
Now my dad came from a really poor family, was the second youngest out of my grandmother's 10 kids, and was the only one who graduated from a 4-year university with High Honors in accounting WHILE being married to my mom and having Hannah in the U.S. (I have one other uncle who went to a university in Taiwan, but the rest graduated high school at best). he even has a Masters in Divinity from one of the more rigorous seminary in the U.S. now! He had every justification to chastise me for doing worse than my cousins who grew up with less educated parents. But here I am, still working on my bachelor degree (which isn't in architecture, btw) since 2010, and he's always encouraging me and telling me that not everyone goes through life at the same pace and form as others. I don't know if he's feeling sad or disappointed, since he's never told me so, but because of his continual support, I have never felt more determined to excel and do well in life so that I can someday financially support/repay him for his love and care as a form of gratitude.
I didn't perform particularly well during my childhood and adolescent years, but I am proud to say that as of right now, I am very independent and am doing well in school and work. I haven't won any awards, but I am capable of cooking yummy dinners, managing my finances, organizing events, administration, researching and resolving complicated matters, and, you know, just doing adult things like getting married and managing a household. Isn't that already a "win" in life? I'm finally close to graduating (just two more quarters!) and am even working towards getting a masters. I have a new found passion for learning and growing, all things I thought I'd never become when I was a child! I have faith that I fair well in life, because my father first had faith in me and in my heavenly Father above.
Note that I am in no way condoning Jennifer's actions as right or justified, but I feel that perhaps if they showed more gentle or tender love every now and then instead of tough love, she might not have been so hard on herself or push herself to such extremes. Of course, some kids never go to the extreme of murder regardless of the treatment, since every person has a different mental fortitude and resolve, but I do believe that a little acceptance and understanding could have prevented or at least lessened the tragedy.
As I reflect on my past, I think my parents exposed me to many different things not really to excel at everything (though if I did, of course they'd be super proud) but to help me discover what I liked, didn't like, and what I was good at or what needed more work. I am thankful for godly parents who raised me with the belief of"doing your best and God will take care of rest" and that "it doesn't matter how different your life is from others, God has His own plans for you. Whatever you're doing, do it right with God's guidance and you will find joy in life."
Joy in life is "success" to me. I only hope that I remember all of these when it's my turn to raise kids. Once again, thank you, mom and dad for the faith you have in me. And above all, thank you, Father in Heaven, for your love, grace, mercy, and hope. I pray that healing will come upon the Pan's despite all that they've been through. Amen.
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