"Can I consult you on how to find a good husband?"
Strangely enough, I've been asked this question more than a couple of times once they've learned about my married status. (Similarly to being told that some girls want to be married in my "older sister" post.)
The question in itself seems pretty strange to me for a few reasons:
Another interesting fact is that all of the ladies who asked me this question are fairly academically driven students within the Statistics department, and are planning to pursue a masters degree after graduation. Not that these ladies can't be interested in marriage, rather I somewhat assumed that the more driven you are academically and career-wise, the less interested you are in a committed relationship that can potentially "hold you down" or limit your opportunities. Then again, I could be wrong, since driven individuals are more serious, and carrying that kind of attitude towards relationships is not unreasonable.
The question in itself seems pretty strange to me for a few reasons:
- I am not a counselor.
- I've been married for less than a year.
- What's "good" to one person isn't necessarily good to another.
- They've only met John once.
But I guess being the only married person among their peers makes me the most qualified to answer such a question. Also, I should take it as a compliment that they think my husband is "good". John must have made a very good first impression on them. (unlike moi, who tends to clam up during first meetings.)
Still, I have no idea how to answer the question on finding a good husband. The simple answer would be: pray and trust in God, and keep looking. But is having a good husband really all there is to have a good marriage? Not really, not if you end up being a terrible wife.
While I'm sure their intention is to find someone for companionship and to share their dreams, a part of me feels like these women also want the security of having a man to support them financially, especially when they're going through their graduate studies. A lot of them have commented that I am "so smart" to find a husband while in school to pay for my tuition and living expenses. Ha, as if that was the motivation. If fact, I was actually kind of worried that I might not qualify for grants and aids anymore if I got married because John was making a lot more money than I was, but we chose to marry anyway for other more important reasons. In the end, the grants and aids still worked out okay. So phew~
Anyway, I've thought wholeheartedly about what response to give, and I concluded that the answer I have is probably not what they'd want to hear because it seems to me they wanted a husband asap either for the above reasons or just out of impatience. No husband is going to fall from the sky, no matter how hard you pray, if you're insistent on hiding at home or staying within your comfort zone. I've debated if I should tell them that John and I had dated for ~4 years before tying the knot, and that we've had our share of huge arguments and near breakups in the process. But that's not what they want to hear, because marriage and weddings means you've found "the one" that fits you perfectly, so you can now live in marital bliss forever, right?
The response I get when I do burst someone's bubble about how the engagement and wedding process works is amusing. They always seem so surprised that the proposal was no secret (the only element of surprise being the day/time of proposal, but we know it's coming), and that the process of getting married involves a lot of discussions, sacrifices, commitments, and even family drama to materialize. I suppose the way John and I interact with each other--in a very joyous/comical/bff way-- can give off the impression that we barely fight and just happen to be in sync with each other, but every serious couple knows this is NOT always true.
I don't have the heart to tell them that a "good" husband is not the key to solving their financial or companionship problems, nor the key to a sustainable marriage. As a matter of fact, consistently putting in effort on both ends is probably the bulk of making the relationship work to some degree. With that in mind, devoting your life entirely to someone just so he can pay your bills is a fairly costly price, which I'm sure is worth more than just tuition fees. But how can I say that to them without sounding presumptuous?
All that aside, I must say that another reason I don't feel comfortable responding to their questions is because I feel somewhat offended that they'd think I marry for free tuition. I also feel offended when they say, "You're so lucky to just have this happen so early in your life. I wish I was as lucky too."
Hello, lao niang did NOT get tuition paid for and WILL have to take up personal loans for her masters program next year. And what 'lucky'? Okay, I admit it's true that not everyone gets to meet their life partner at such a young age, but don't make it sound as if John and I didn't work hard or make huge compromises to get to where we are today! I don't know where they've gotten the idea that I met John in the last year or so and just ended up getting married in the heat of romance like some fairy tale. Perhaps it's because we're both still so young. I guess the idea that some people are capable of thinking about courtship when they're only 18 or 19 must be very odd or rare to them. Yes, ladies. I *did* kind of plan to marry this young from the beginning. It wasn't some random event I chanced upon.
I know they don't mean anything behind their words besides envy, which is why I struggle if I should respond with just a simple smile and nod, or to tell them the truth. So far, the "best" response I've come up with is "your time will come and you'll figure it out sooner than you think." They seem to be pretty happy with that, but will almost always say, "I want it now!"
I wonder if I'm doing an injustice by not speaking my opinion and sharing reality with them. Hmm.
While I'm sure their intention is to find someone for companionship and to share their dreams, a part of me feels like these women also want the security of having a man to support them financially, especially when they're going through their graduate studies. A lot of them have commented that I am "so smart" to find a husband while in school to pay for my tuition and living expenses. Ha, as if that was the motivation. If fact, I was actually kind of worried that I might not qualify for grants and aids anymore if I got married because John was making a lot more money than I was, but we chose to marry anyway for other more important reasons. In the end, the grants and aids still worked out okay. So phew~
Anyway, I've thought wholeheartedly about what response to give, and I concluded that the answer I have is probably not what they'd want to hear because it seems to me they wanted a husband asap either for the above reasons or just out of impatience. No husband is going to fall from the sky, no matter how hard you pray, if you're insistent on hiding at home or staying within your comfort zone. I've debated if I should tell them that John and I had dated for ~4 years before tying the knot, and that we've had our share of huge arguments and near breakups in the process. But that's not what they want to hear, because marriage and weddings means you've found "the one" that fits you perfectly, so you can now live in marital bliss forever, right?
The response I get when I do burst someone's bubble about how the engagement and wedding process works is amusing. They always seem so surprised that the proposal was no secret (the only element of surprise being the day/time of proposal, but we know it's coming), and that the process of getting married involves a lot of discussions, sacrifices, commitments, and even family drama to materialize. I suppose the way John and I interact with each other--in a very joyous/comical/bff way-- can give off the impression that we barely fight and just happen to be in sync with each other, but every serious couple knows this is NOT always true.
I don't have the heart to tell them that a "good" husband is not the key to solving their financial or companionship problems, nor the key to a sustainable marriage. As a matter of fact, consistently putting in effort on both ends is probably the bulk of making the relationship work to some degree. With that in mind, devoting your life entirely to someone just so he can pay your bills is a fairly costly price, which I'm sure is worth more than just tuition fees. But how can I say that to them without sounding presumptuous?
All that aside, I must say that another reason I don't feel comfortable responding to their questions is because I feel somewhat offended that they'd think I marry for free tuition. I also feel offended when they say, "You're so lucky to just have this happen so early in your life. I wish I was as lucky too."
Hello, lao niang did NOT get tuition paid for and WILL have to take up personal loans for her masters program next year. And what 'lucky'? Okay, I admit it's true that not everyone gets to meet their life partner at such a young age, but don't make it sound as if John and I didn't work hard or make huge compromises to get to where we are today! I don't know where they've gotten the idea that I met John in the last year or so and just ended up getting married in the heat of romance like some fairy tale. Perhaps it's because we're both still so young. I guess the idea that some people are capable of thinking about courtship when they're only 18 or 19 must be very odd or rare to them. Yes, ladies. I *did* kind of plan to marry this young from the beginning. It wasn't some random event I chanced upon.
I know they don't mean anything behind their words besides envy, which is why I struggle if I should respond with just a simple smile and nod, or to tell them the truth. So far, the "best" response I've come up with is "your time will come and you'll figure it out sooner than you think." They seem to be pretty happy with that, but will almost always say, "I want it now!"
I wonder if I'm doing an injustice by not speaking my opinion and sharing reality with them. Hmm.
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