What makes you look forward to living each day?

"If you find the answer to this, you'll lead a meaningful and purposeful life."

Or so I heard.

I don't know for sure, since I haven't found the answer myself.

What do I look forward to every morning I awaken?

Seeing John's face and having breakfast with him. Finding an activity we can participate in together while having fun. Making food for the family (I currently live in a party house). Finding new recipes, trying them out, and being successful in the attempt.

What would I do if I had endless supply of money and did not have to work another day of my life for income?

I don't know. I like my shiny things. And shiny things to me usually means fancy food. I suppose I have interests in clothes and appearances, but I've survived long enough without that and found myself relatively happy. Those Sacramento days where I meal prepped, worked out, and hung out with life groups over tea and food related social hangouts still hold a special place in my heart. They were so ordinary, but I found myself looking forward to our couples meeting so that I could work on my marriage and share in the joy of helping other couples work through their own marital struggles and problems. And praying for one another and genuinely hoping for the best for them.

I liked playing video games. I'd probably play quite a bit, but stop once it's over and find something else to do. I'd probably travel the world a lot and try different kinds of cuisines. I would probably try to venture into creative outlets, like art, app development, drums, and what not.

Maybe I'd even have kids? I don't like the idea of doing diapers, but I don't think I'd mind mentoring and training them to become decent and independent adults. So I suppose if I had a lot of money and can get hired help to do all the "not so glamorous" stuff, I'd have 2 kids...3 even? Nah, 3 is odd. LOL.

What do I truly want such that I am so dissatisfied with my current lifestyle right now? Okay, dissatisfaction might be a bit of a stretch, but I know that my current wealth is not assuaging my restlessness.

At this point, I highly doubt that the pandemic is the main reason. Yes, I was sad last year, but now that I'm surrounded by Hannah and Keith in a "party" home, I feel quite happy and comforted by their presence.

On paper, I should be happy. Logically, I know I should be content. Actually, I am content. I don't necessarily want more money or more stability per se. What I want is to keep this level of stability while pursuing what brings me joy.

The dilemma of the generalist. Or so I say because I tend to dabble in many different things and find myself pretty decent at them. I don't necessarily spend a lot of time honing a skillset, save for cooking and meal prepping.

Is that my specialty and calling then? Something as simple as putting food on the table, without any glamour or sophistication? I have no desire to be a chef, but I do want to be able to learn how to put a variety of meals together at home, and to teach others how to do so.

I've considered blogging. And then I discouraged myself after looking up the success rate of earning a living through blogging. Though a part of me reminds myself that no matter the space and profession, the income is always vastly skewed. Take data science for example. I know that non-profits and the state pays a data scientist 1/3 of what CG was paying me. I'm sure if I looked at FAANG employees, that pay scale skews even further to the right. Does that mean the skill they're required to exhibit is far more advanced? Unlikely. They are definitely more specialized, but that doesn't always equate to higher pay. Take doctors of psychology or history for example. Pay is highly determined by what the consumer and clients deem valuable, marketable, and profitable. I highly doubt the government's research in data science isn't valuable, only not marketable and profitable.

I tell myself that the blogging sphere is similar - only the spectrum of income is far wider because there's no formal qualifications or barrier to entry before one can claim themselves to be a blogger like one would a data scientist. Yet the fear of failing doesn't go away. What would happen if I fall into the statistics of those who failed?

Honestly? Nothing too detrimental. I don't have fame, credibility, nor expertise in the blogging space to begin with - failure is a very high and fair possibility with little to be ashamed about. 

So why am I so apprehensive? When I started out my path with data science, I didn't have any expertise or particular skillset that would guarantee my success. The only thing I had was the determination and confidence to learn the skillset needed and to gain the necessary experience to eventually evolve into role. I am bright enough to understand statistics and logic. I am willing to learn social skills - even if I don't fancy them - to become a better communicator and get ahead.

In fact, I didn't seriously consider data science because I never thought myself to be a coder or a particularly enthusiastic modeler. I thought about pursuing the surest and safest route - actuarial science. A set of exams to guarantee my job stability and six-figure journey. Yet, I ended up becoming a highly effective data scientist for CG and my own mentors during the actuarial internship encouraged me and pointed me to data science, wishing me success and truly believing I would find my potential there. And lo' and behold, I ended up earning that six-figure way quicker and with way less work required than in the actuarial route. Not to mention it suited my lifestyle and relationships much more. Let's be real. John and I are not cut out to spend 3-4 hours a day of me studying for the next 10 years of my life.

I suppose then, my apprehension comes from having to restart. Plunging back into the unknown and losing the luxuries my six-figure salary and prestigious job title would provide. I think most people would have said "I made it!" were they in my position and be content. Yet, when I thought to myself, "I made it", I also thought, "...but did I? Is this where I wanted to be? Is this where everyone wants to be? The road from here on out is just rinse and repeat with far more politics and project management."

I like project management. And while politics do not excite me, I accept it as necessary for navigating different walks of life and perspectives. However, combining the two with data science, or at least what most companies deem as data science does not inspire me. If I had to be honest, the pay is the only thing that's inspiring. Ha. I said it. I enjoy understanding trends. I enjoy testing different theories and hypothesis and trying out different methods to improve response rates and effective rates. But I have no interest in pandering to the higher ups in forcing data science to prove a theory or idea they have is right, especially if it is absurd with no basis. This is where I draw the line with politics.

I also have no interest in helping rich people get richer. While I like my sales stakeholders, targeting folks who are already very wealthy (which is what my analytics shows to be the easiest way to rake up sales) and getting them on board to like our products - no matter how truly great they are - isn't helping the under-privileged have a better future. It only improves our sales to line our pockets and keep our salaries growing. My salary growing. But what am I even doing with it? Am I contributing it back to the poor enough? Even if it were, what long-term effects would it have on them? Money is hardly ever the solution to long-term/deep-rooted issues and hurt. Money is really a band-aid at best, and a power play at worst.

What a rabbit hole I've gone down as I ramble.

The easiest route it seems is to find another "data science" job in a field I hopefully care about and benefits the under represented and under privileged. I can get paid doing what I do well while keeping my conscience. 

Or I can take off in a complete different direction and follow my passion - helping people discover their love for cooking. At the very least, help them embrace the art of cooking as the world becomes busier, more specialized, while also more detached, from how things at home used to be. Eating a meal at home as a family always meant the world to me. It means that no matter what's happening, the small community we call "family" chose to set aside this time to be together, prepare something together, clean up together, and commune together. This culture is largely lost in today's hustle and bustle in the struggle to strike richness.

That's the answer, it seems. But should it become a day job? Or a personal tradition to protect and hold on to instead of turning it into profit?

I suppose that's a topic to explore for another day.