Where would I call "Home"?

After about 4 and a half years, I’ve finally returned to Kuching. This was the first time I went back to Kuching (or even Malaysia) since I left for the States in 2008. And wow, everything’s changed. Or maybe everything has changed from my own perspective.

I don’t know why but I just feel like Kuching is so small and so disconnected from everything and everyone else. Funny, because Kuching is the capital of Sarawak. You’d think that it’d be a bustling city filled with entertainment and upscale malls but it’s really quite the opposite. Since I left for the US, I always thought of Kuching as home. It’s always been on my mind. Kuching’s culture is my culture…or least the culture I grew up with. I always felt so close to home because it’s always been in the back of my mind. But boy, oh boy when I glanced at the world map while I was on the plane ride to LA, I realized that Kuching is this humble little city thousands of miles away from LA.

I feel like people who live in Kuching end up getting stuck in Kuching, much to their misfortune. The ratio of the basic cost of living to the average salary in Kuching is way too disproportional. I found out that waitresses gets paid RM2.50/hr and no tips. You can’t even buy yourself a bowl of kolomee in an hour’s work! Unless you are super frugal and determined, there is no way you can ever save up enough to move out. That or you corrupt your way up the career ladder—a practice more common than you think—for those who want money fast.

Sorry to say this, even though I know a LOT of Kuching residents would disagree, but Kuching has a lot of catching up to do. Open drains, flies, smoking in air-conditioned restaurants, crazy large and numerous roundabouts, floods, and coins/change that have no value being some of things we could really work on.

I know, I know. I am talking like a stuck-up American prick. Oh, you think you’re so high and mighty now that you’re in the US? You think you know better?

No, I don’t think I know better just because I live in some supposedly "upscale" and large city (LA has tons of problems too). But yes, I've seen better and I know our government has seen better too. They have international homes and travel frequently all around the world, and yet they choose not to do any better. What infuriates me the most is how they have the nerve to go about boasting how much they have helped the country move forward by obtaining the flashiest phones or technology. Or that we are so rich in resources that we're better off than most countries out there. And then they go out to western countries to do their personal investment. Hypocrite, much?

Shame on the leaders for all these corruption. 

What bothers me even more is that a number of people who live in Kuching are victims of the government’s propaganda. It’s so hard to believe how my many of my relatives (and I have a lot) can say that Kuching is awesome and is just as good as any other city in California. As much as I'd like that to be true, even plain ol' Davis that all Californians view as "countryside" is a lot more efficient and safer than Kuching. It’s clean, safe, organized, bike and public transportation friendly. It’s so peaceful yet at the same time lively, and that is how I always imagined Kuching should be like. We're a pretty cool crowd with awesome food after all. I remember when I was a kid I could play on the streets or walk to a nearby store to buy some snacks. Why has it become so dangerous now?

Some of my relatives say we aren't doing too bad. I mean, we still have the latest technology like cell phones and iPads in Kuching, but that doesn't mean that our public transportation, car manufacturers, or salary don’t suck. NO one should get paid peanuts and yet is expected to fork out RM40,000 or more for a mere local car with second-rate engines and non-existent safety features (sorry, Proton Saga, I'm looking at you). That’s injustice! What’s worse is that we are forced to drive these second-rate cars on crappy roads! Someone needs to fix this. Seriously. 

Take a look at our neighboring city/state/country, Singapore. One step into the airport and onto the city streets and you can tell what a world of difference this country is. Sure, the people may talk, walk, eat, and dress like we do, but the lifestyle they live is on a whole different level. Have you seen the malls and hotels in Singapore? Everywhere you go, the city life is booming. New hotels, offices, and apartments are always rising. City laws are strict and are carried out accordingly. Look how clean and well-planned this tiny country is. And just look at how strong their currency is becoming!

If you were to take a look at their country's size and resources, they have close to nothing. They don't even have enough water on their land that they have to recycle and conserve. Heck, they don't even have enough land. Now look at what we have. Oil, water, timber, precious metals....where has all our money gone? What on earth are we spending on or do we really not have enough resources to develop a country like Singapore?

How can it be that Americans have heard of Singapore and yet haven't the slightest clue about Malaysia and its whereabouts when we are right next to Singapore?

Anyway, after all that ranting, I still love Kuching. I mean, where else can you get a good bowl of kolomee or laksa for only RM3? Also, I don’t know anywhere else that has such a large variety of delicious drinks ranging from Ribena Sprite (OMG LOVE LOVE LOVE!) to Soursop boba. Cincau + Soy Bean Milk! 3-5 layers of Teh C Special. No one else is more creative with food and drinks than those little Kuching hawker stalls owners. Also, a huge plus is that, as “poor” as most tourist make Kuching out to be, there are no homeless people living on or roaming the streets. The only issue I have is how slowly we are progressing. I believe there are so much more we can achieve, but for some reason we're just...stalling.

As much as I love Kuching, I no longer feel at home. I don't belong. Maybe I’m too spoiled by the US or maybe there are just other things that I want to achieve in life and Kuching does not have the means or platform to satisfy those dreams. I expected to feel excited and nostalgic when I came back. Unfortunately, I felt like I needed to leave.

I don’t know how to describe it, but I feel so disconnected from my hometown. As much as it has been my home for 16 years, I feel as if I have nothing left to pursue there…and with my house sold, there is less reason to come back and start a life and family there. Sure, I know my relatives and friends all remain there, but visiting sounds like a better option.

After all these experiences, I don’t know if it was a good or bad thing to visit Kuching. A part of me feels like it would’ve been much better if I didn’t visit home so that my bittersweet memories of Kuching would never be tarnished. Yet, I feel somewhat relieved to know that the rash and crazy decision my family made years ago (that so many people disapproved of) to move to the States is actually a good one.

You know what? I’m glad I visited Kuching. When I see pictures of my wealthy friends and family back in Kuching, I always wondered if I’d regret leaving behind such a nice life in Kuching. But now that I’ve been back, I realized that living here, as hard as it may be now, is not a decision I’d regret.

Hello, California! I'm home.