A much needed rant (though I'm now in a much better place)
Edit 2021-08-06:
Reading through this post, I now realize that despite how much I hated this phase of my life, I have to take back that one comment I made saying, "I don't feel I've met anyone significant in my time here as a grad student or have achieved anything that impacted my life by being in this program."
Little did I know, that the ONLY person I be-friended and did a project together on would be the key to helping me land my first professional job and begin my journey as a data scientist. Of course, I have new problems and frustrations with the job now that I'm 2.5+ years along but I digress.
Either way, I suppose I can only say that, once again, the Lord has turned something seemingly sour to me into a new opportunity. Funny how God works doesn't he?
I struggled posting this then and left it in my drafts for 3 years because of how complain-y it was. But thinking about it now, I think sharing the rawness of how hopeless I felt brings a sense of realism on how God truly works in your life. No matter how dark it may be, he is there. You won't feel him always, but he is always there. With that, I leave you with this long overdue rant.
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Originally written on May 31st, 2018
From this one letter that started it all.
Which is rare, because I used to believe that I don't regret anything in life. Or least I've never felt like I've regretting anything up till this point.
I was rebellious as a teen and decided to never pay attention during add math or spend much time studying, only to realize 10 years later that a strong math background would've really helped me out in my current stats degree. Dated a boy at age 14 when my parents said no and he broke my young heart. Signed a lease with 4 other crazy roommates who had no sense of respect or responsibility in terms of sharing a space. Took up a job under a stingy old Taiwanese lady at a restaurant where she took full advantage of our unfortunate living and financial circumstances to steal our tips. Dated another guy in college whom my parents disapproved of because his family were not Christian and then married him. Didn't yield when it came to my wedding date and had my sister-in-law turning against me and leaving John and I at odds with his side of the family for 3 years. Got involved in the in-laws' life when the fire burned their home down and as a result had to take time off school for a year to recuperate from the stress.
All of the above were rather "irrational" choices, yet I never regretted any of the choices I made. Sure, they sucked, but none of those decisions ever affected my view on life negatively one bit. I stood even stronger and firmer in the Lord, and grew closer to my family (my support group) and came out of each situation stronger, wiser, and with more perseverance. In many cases, the decisions that I made were not necessarily out of free will, but were based off a need to survive. The outcome of each situation, however, led to GREATER opportunities. Some beyond my imagination.
But the decision to go to grad school at UCD for stats? Major regret.
Why?
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just burned out. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a stats student. Maybe I'm not passionate enough. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I am sick of living the poor student life. Maybe I'm just missing something. Maybe.
I hate my grad stats program. Yeah, hate is a strong word but that is exactly how I feel. There is nothing about the program that got me excited or made me feel like it was worth it. Even though John has bad sentiments toward UCD in general when he was an undergrad, he was glad he went to school there because he met me. But I don't feel I've met anyone significant in my time here as a grad student or have achieved anything that impacted my life by being in this program.
All I did in the past 5 months was lament and whine to John how much I "hate my life" and did not look forward to each new day the Lord grants me. I know, how ungrateful and entitled. The Lord truly is gracious.
I am just so mad at how disorganized the program is. From the constant insufficient classroom sizes, the badly structured curriculum for the integrated masters program, the lack of academic support from staff, the horrible administration full of red tapes, and just WAY TOO MANY non-native English speakers as TA's (as in, they have very very thick accents and clearly struggle to communicate). I just can't.
I literally have 2 weeks left, and I can't bring myself to get anything done. Large-scale senioritis amongst the graduating class and job applications aren't helping either.
Am I spoiled?
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